tormented.. part 4..

hmm..
those phrase has really left me some deep impact.. back in the old days, the 'selfish' me doesn't really care for my surrounding. but all is just about me and myself.. i don't appreciate a lot of things and yet, when they've gone, only then i know how much they're meant to me..

some people nowadays, and i don't know why, are too selfish to think about others.. as long as they can get what they need, they don't want to think about how their action can affect other people/things..

for instance, the current issue of using 'fatwa' to ban something.. in my country, they have succeeded to ban Yoga.. the reason for the ban..?? they said that yoga uses some kind of chant to praise Hindu's so called Lords and such.. i don't use the term God as there no other God but Allah.. i'm really surprised bout the decision, as i know somehow those melody that has been used in yoga are not all about appraising their Lords.. the main purpose for the melody are for meditation and somehow relaxing.. but then, all i can say is, they should have known better.. even in Islams' teaching, there's one saying.. and somehow, i can't find the right words in English, but it goes something like this..

Janganlah kamu menghalalkan sesuatu yang haram, dan janganlah kamu mengharamkan sesuatu yang halal..

hope someone can translate it to English.. anyway, somehow as they manage to ban yoga, currently they're trying to ban smoking ciggies n such using the power of fatwa.. hmm.. as i have wrote in my previous post in this blog, somehow, i think they are not thinking too deep about this issue.. don't they know currently smokers are one of the main contributors for the national taxes..?? we (smokers) pay our taxes everyday by buying a pack of ciggies..

and as i wrote before.. what happens if everyone in this country suddenly stop buying any cigarettes..?? Malaysia could lost millions of ringgit.. and what can the ministers do to avoid this..?? i bet they would increase the price of everything to compensate all the lost.. and i bet at that time, everyone would felt differently for the ex-smokers..

hmm.. that's the current issue.. in everyday life, i still trained myself not to neglect anyone or anything as i know somehow, someday, they can disappeared from my life in an instance.. my family (my wife, oyen n taupe, my parents and everyone that i can call 'family'), my friends, my assets, my career and such.. actually, i have lost something that are very precious to me for the second time in my life.. my biological father..

my parent was divorced when i was two and a half years old.. i grew up without a father's love.. my father do came and visit me and my siblings every months for a mere 2-3 hours.. but after i finished my studies, i tried to become close to him as i try to get a job quite near to him.. that's one of the reason my workplaces are mostly located in the middle of KL.. i tried to free up some time to have lunch with my father, hang out at his office during my free time.. but it all changes when he got an offer to work in Nigeria.. i was quite shocked about his decision, but i still have to respect it.. i tried so hard to help him to get through all the necessity and preparation for him for his departure.. at that time also, me and my girlfriend (currently my wife) are planning to get married.. we were actually planned to have the wedding on June 2005, but after we knew that my father will be leaving around end of December 2004, i decided to have the wedding on the middle on December 2004.. but still, after all my effort to make sure he will be there on my wedding day, i found out that he have to leave early.. he departed to Nigeria on November.. i was so frustrated....

and while he was in Nigeria, i tried to keep in touch with him.. and some time, when he got the chance to return to Malaysia, i tried to spend some time with him.. but, i don't know why, or when, suddenly i got the news from someone else that my father already quits his job at Nigeria.. and he has return to Malaysia.. without notifying any of my family.. i was so frustrated, so sad, so...... *sigh* i really don't know what went wrong.. sometimes i even cried when i think about it.. not even my wife knew about this.. some people told me to just go to his house and pay him a visit.. but, for me, after all my effort, and suddenly he dumped me just like that, i think better if i let him be.. he got his own family.. and it's already been 2 years since the news of him coming back to Malaysia, and still, i have not received any phone calls, any emails from him.. no news at all.. nothing.. so, i lost him for the second time....

n i missed him so much.. and it hurts so bad.. it's not that he's dead that i can't see him anymore.. he is there, but i just can't meet him.. i knew he is there.. but....

how i envy those people that have their father to love them while they grew older.. and how i envy those people who have lost their father as they know they won't be hurt anymore of the fact of losing their father.. maybe some of u might say, it's worst if your father have died especially when u're young.. in my case, it's just like u see something that u love or want so much just within reach, but no matter how hard u tried, u know that u can never grab it.. and it hurts with every attempt to reach it..

and everytime people asked me, "how is your father..??" i would just burst into tears.. but i have to control myself.. even my mother has found someone else, my step father, to me, he is there just for my mother.. just to make sure my mother is happy, secured, and will not be sad ever again.. and i'll sure of that..

so, what i'm try to write here is that if u do appreciate something in your life, do try your best to hold on to it.. it could be anything.. living thing, or even non living things.. u just don't know when those thing would disappear from u.. that's why i tried so hard to make sure my wife is happy with me, my friends are all knew that i would be there for them, my family could depends on me when they're in need.. it's occay if i'm all tormented inside, as long as i could see smiles on everyone's faces..

me..?? still wearing all my laughter, smiles, and joyous mask everyday.. deep inside me..?? no one knew.. some lines from Kid Rock 'Only God Knows Why'..

People don't know bout the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through

i've even tried to be in solitude.. just to make sure i won't be so depressed when i have to lose anything.. i tried to get away from my friends as i have lost lots of best friends due to misunderstanding and such and sometime i even think that i have a jinx that i can't have any best friends.. i tried not to take care of any more cats as pets as i can't bear the sadness to let them go when they are on their last breath.. and to my wife, Kecheq, that's why my usual answer when u ask for my opinions, all i said was "up to u, Kecheq".. i would hate it if i would made the wrong action or decision that can lead to me ended up losing u..

thank you for your time to read this.. it's been a while since my last long posts.. i'm sorry if u have headaches reading this.. but i think i have to let it out.. it has been too tormenting for me to keep it inside of me..

oh yeah.. if anyone wants to comment, do leave something good instead of something that can hurt anyone else.. if u don't have anything good to say, keep it to yourself.. there's no use to provoke other people as i know u won't like it if someone else provokes u..

Don't open your mouth if u can't say anything nice to other peoples' ears..
-akeys-